What was tested? 2007 Hummer H3 Full-Size Sport Utility Vehicle ($29,995).
Options: Automatic transmission ($1,695), sunroof ($950), XM radio ($325).
Price as tested: $32,965.
I wish Isaac Newton was still alive.
Imagine the fun he could have with all our modern tools at his disposal. Instead of waiting around for an apple to fall on his noggin, he could use a university physics lab to discover how the universe works.
And instead of postulating on boring stuff like calculus, he could help us understand the intricacies of the First Law of Hummerdynamics: The smaller the Hummer, the better it is.
Hummer's first vehicle, dubbed the H1, was bigger than Justin Timberlake's ego, but it was absolutely awful. Slow, plodding, noisy and - of all things - cramped, this G.I. Joe truck was the least practical vehicle the world had ever seen. It cost more than $100,000, too.
Hummer's second vehicle - given the oh-so-creative name of H2 - was smaller but immensely better. It drove a lot like a Suburban and had a much more useable cabin. Still, its nasty plastic trim looked like the result of an explosion at the Lego factory. And you had to pay $50,000 to own this plastic trash.
Today we have Hummer's third vehicle - I'll let you guess the name - which is even smaller and far better than the H2.
This baby Hummer is light-years ahead of its siblings in terms of refinement and comfort. It still has serious off-road credentials, but it rides OK on pavement and can easily be maneuvered in parking lots. Best of all, it doesn't lose the original Hummer's screw-the-world styling.
When you look at this vehicle, it seems to be saying, "I want to kill all the dolphins and owls and whales and polar bears and condors and penguins on the whole planet." It's wonderful!
Thus, driving a Hummer - even a baby one - makes people angry. When you pull up at 7-11 to get a Coke, strangers give you the evil eye. Little old ladies look like they want to spit on you.
It's like going to Disney Land while wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm a convicted child molester."
And that's why I love the $30,000 H3. It doesn't actually kill infant seals, but it looks like it should. It evokes a polarizing reaction from everyone who sees it, either people who love it because it's totally cool or people who hate it because it symbolizes melting ice caps.
In a politically correct world filled with sterile, lifeless cars designed by committees and styled to avoid offending anyone, it's fantastic to drive a vehicle that makes people feel something - something thrilling and naughty and brash all at the same time. It's easy to forget riding in a Prius. But you'll always remember the first time you ride in any size Hummer.
Pros: Even though the Hummer brand has faced harsh criticism from environmentalists, the H3 stays true to its tough, off-road mission. It's also more efficient, meaning you can look like you're killing the polar bears without actually doing it.
Cons: If you're bothered by people who give you dirty looks, you can't drive this thing. It's too polarizing.
RATINGS (1-10)
Style: 10
Performance: 7
Price: 4
Handling: 3
Ride: 5
Comfort: 6
Quality: 5
Overall: 8
